if i were queen of the world

on cohabitation, part three.

brief updates from the homefront

1. i was just sitting here staring at the computer (trying to decide the color-scheme for the All New Blog Design that i’m working on, which is why this is a list instead of a real blog post) when i here that batman guy yell: ‘YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!’ from the other room. of course, i decided to investigate. i’m an investigator. it’s just what i do. some of you may say ‘nosey,’ but i prefer ‘investigate.’ and it’s my blog. anyway, i went into the other room and said: ‘what’s wrong?’ and he said something about comcast and HBO and no HD for ondemand programming and i gathered that he wasn’t happy with the television. when i looked at the (huge supposed-to-be HD) television, i noticed that the program he was watching was only taking up a tiny little rectangle of the available television-viewing space. that batman guy said: ‘can you see what’s wrong with that?’ and i said: ‘what, do you think i’m stupid?’ and he said: ’sometimes.’ and then he farted. and then he started laughing. boys are disgusting.

2. speaking of boys, i cooked a pot roast for mine today while he was at work. no, really. i did. and it smells really good and i can’t wait to eat it in fifteen minutes.

3. did you know that boys eat a lot? they do. like, all the time.

4. did you know that some boys know how to do laundry? mine appears to have this sacred knowledge because i keep finding my dirty clothes that i left on the floor, and when i find them they are CLEAN and in MY CLOSET. this is good because i am not the best laundry do-er. (witness said dirty clothes on the floor.) either that batman guy has been doing my laundry while i’m at work, or this house came with a laundry fairy.

5. when you move in with someone and begin to share your personal space for the first time in your whole entire lives, you will find that you have to compromise on many things. some of these compromises will come easily, some will come with lots of tension and arguments, and some will simply not come at all. one of these instances concerns the milk: i’m not about to drink 2% because i might as well just pour cottage cheese down my throat, and he will not drink skim because ‘he might as well pour water on his cereal.’ apparently we will be keeping a lot of milk in the fridge. and that’s okay by me. i’d much rather have an extra milk in the fridge than an aqua teen hunger force movie poster hanging above my fireplace.

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., that batman guy on August 18th, 2008 | 6 Comments »

on cohabitation, part two.

there’s something weird about sharing a bedroom with a boy.
and, when i say ‘there’s something weird,’ i should specify that i mean SOMETHING WEIRD SMELLING. it seems to occur during the night time hours. like, when i get home a few hours after he’s been asleep, i’ll open our bedroom door and immediately think: ‘oh my hell, what is that foul odor?’
and then i make the realization: ‘oh, it’s my beloved.’*
i think it’s probably a mixture of farts and hours of open-mouth breathing and also the unexplainable funkiness that comes out of boy’s pores as they sleep and sweat, even though they WENT FREAKING DIRECTLY TO BED FROM THE SHOWER.
anyway, i peel off my own (slightly? right?) smelling work clothes and put on my jammies and crawl into bed. a few hours later, he gets up for work. i stir only the slightest bit, but when i wake up later for the day i notice that i’ve been sleeping with my face buried in the part of the blanket the he was sleeping under all night.

it smells nothing but wonderful.

*i don’t actually think with that sort of vocabulary. it’s selective realism at supertiff.com.

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., that batman guy on August 13th, 2008 | 4 Comments »

explanation

dudes.
my blog has been hacked.
again.
for the second time in three weeks, even though i had blog for four years with no hacking whatsoever.

i’m starting to think that i wasn’t so off base when i thought this was not being done to me by some spam-bot, and rather being done by someone who just really wants to make me unhappy.

whatever.
i’m going to ikea to buy some stuff for my awesome family room and my awesome bedroom. that will for sure make me happy.

in the meantime, please note that three quarters of my last post has been eaten by a blog-hacker. the majority of the post is missing, and it’s the part that goes in the middle. so, don’t even try to read it, because it makes absolutely zero sense at the moment.

i’ll be back later to sort this shit out.

Filed under: Uncategorized on August 7th, 2008 | 8 Comments »

on cohabitation, part one.

i remember the early days–the “Oh My God We’re Going to Live Together and I’m So Freaking Happy” early days. i remember the hesitant glances from ‘real life’ friends. i remember the all-too-brief warnings that ‘it would be hard.’

would it be wrong to blame them, now? for not telling me more? more about the total suck-assness that is trying to move all of your stuff into the same place as all of someone else’s stuff, when neither of you has EVER had to SHARE SPACE with anyone EVER in THIRTY DAMN YEARS OF LIFE?

i guess i should backtrack.

it all started with a couch, see.

it was last thursday night, to be exact. missy was here, and we went out to dinner at this place with that batman guy. i was scheduled to be off work on friday, so i was thinking we could go to ikea or something and find a couch and some of the other stuff that we were going to need for our new house. (note: he had moved into our new house two days earlier, while i was waiting until missy left. i just didn’t want her to have to stay in a place that was all full of boxes and whatnot.) that batman guy informed me that he didn’t have any time available on friday during the day, and we all know that i had plans friday night, so it looked like we were going to wait for another day. and that was fine.

friday afternoon, i got a call from lamammala. she was out running errands and she decided to stop by art van and see if they had anything in my price range. they didn’t, of course. but, they did offer one of those however many months with no interest thing-things. and my mom said she would finance the couch in her name if i would put down half of the money. so, you better believe that i drove my ass (and missy’s) up to art van so i could check out this couch. for the record, i loved, loved, FREAKING LOVED Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., that batman guy on August 6th, 2008 | 4 Comments »

missing missy

missy’s gone.
back across the world, into the abyss of far, far away.
i took her to the airport at butt o’clock early this morning, and i missed her before she even got out of the car.

i came home and went back to sleep for a while before i had to go to work, and i’ve had this song stuck in my head ever since i woke up:

time it was, and what a time it was, it was a time. a time of innocence, a time of confidences.
long ago, it must be. i have a photograph.
preserve your memories; they’re all that’s left you.

(that’s bookends, by simon and garfunkel, for the record)

missy lives so far away that she’s probably not even home yet, even though i dropped her off at the airport 20 hours ago. i hope she’s having a good flight, and i hope she brings her backwards ass back here soon. i was just starting to get used to having her around, you know?

Filed under: life, the universe, and everything., my girls on August 3rd, 2008 | 6 Comments »

I slept with SuperTiff last night

I know you’re jealous.

This is Missy, in case that wasn’t obvious. I know, I’m sorry, I wish she was here, too.

SuperTiff is off at her bar, doing SuperTiff-like things there, because that is what she does. She is a very busy SuperTiff and does not have time for imaginary internet friends right now. But she promises she will be back soon.

Also keeping her busy (in order of importance): me, driving me places, showing me things, taking me shopping, our Michigan Party, that whole moving house thing.

Ok, I’m kidding about all that “me” stuff, because instead of her doing that, she gave me her car and said “Go crazy!” which … silly SuperTiff. (Although, I did only get lost like three times, and only drove on the left-hand side of the road that once. So really, it’s all good.)

Moving on. We’re having a party! And you’re totally invited.

michigan blogger party

If we were too busy driving on the wrong side of the road to send you an invite, email me at meanwhilemissy AT gmail DOT com.

And the big thing that’s on Tiff’s mind (around 2:08):

She has to live with a boyyyyyyyyyyyy. Seriously. Do we have any advice for her in this trying time?

Filed under: i'm scared of things. lots of things., in the bar, life, the universe, and everything., that batman guy on July 30th, 2008 | 10 Comments »

i left my attention span in san francisco.

so, no: i’m not still in that bed. i actually got home last night. i had to work all day today, but i had every intention of posting some kind of something as soon as i got home from work. i came home and sat in front of my computer right away. i checked my email, and then i swear my head almost hit the desk because i simply could not keep my eyes open. so, i took a nap for an hour. then i got up, made some soup, and got back in front of the computer.

i read a few post-blogher posts, and then…i started nodding off again. back to the napping for me! so, yeah. now it’s 1:30 in the morning, and i really just want to stay asleep, but instead i’m going to eat some raspberry chocolate chip swirl ice cream and post at least SOMETHING, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

so, here it is, a little project i like to call:

SUPERTIFF’S BLOGHER ADVENTURE IN PHOTOS.

p.s. this project is brought to you by missy, because a certain supertiff forgot to take her camera to california. of course. because that is just a totally supertiff thing to do. as usual, you can feel free to interchange the word ’supertiff’ with the word ‘total dumb-fuck.’ ahem.

here, missy has documented me enjoying some $11 chinese food that i got off the street across from the hotel. undocumented is the huge hot dog that missy ordered. it was literally at least three times as big as any other hot dog that has ever appeared on the face of the planet. also, the lady who sold missy the hot dog was a straight-up bitch…but missy will tell you about that later.

later that evening, we wandered down to the party WHERE WE WERE DECIDEDLY SOCIAL. seriously people, after hardly speaking to anyone last year, i felt very strongly that i needed to at least say “hello! i love your blog!” to all of my favorite bloggy-peeps. this started at the peoples party. of course, i have to confess that i was given a push in the right direction when i had been in the room